Who Could It Be
by YAXON
Summary: Who could that diabolical, nefarious mastermind Tobi really be beneath that mask! Will be a series of short, unconnected one-shots of how the dramatic reveal could have went. Complete and utter crack - do not take this seriously. Will be updated irregularly.
Naruto's Shadow Clone fiercely plowed into the nefarious masked shinobi with a Rasengan and finally, _finally_ shattered the bastard's mask. But before Naruto's Shadow Clone could even catch a glimpse of the person's face, it was dispelled by a well-aimed Gedo Rod. The person, now unmasked, scowled at the remains of his pathetic cover and used Kamui to leave the dimension for the inevitable, dramatic reveal of their identity. _**Who could it be**_ **?**

* * *

The shinobi currently gathered to face Tobi all stared in awe as the man emerged from the pocket dimension. The dust finally settled, and all that remained was a heavy, tense silence as they all took in the man's scarred visage. It was such a… such a… such an _absurd_ reveal. It made _no sense_.

"Teuchi-sama?!" Naruto screeched. For indeed, the man standing before him, before them all, was the beloved, kindly ramen chef of Ichiraku Ramen. … Albeit his eyes were finally opened (they were _always_ squinty when he was in uniform, y'know), he was wearing a cloak with the uchiwa fan on it, and he had a scowl on his face.

Oh, and his spiky-haired wig had been blown off by the wind.

"But… But you told me that you got that eye…" Kakashi stammered, hands twitching.

"At the site where you got the moniker 'Sharingan Kakashi', yes." Teuchi nodded sagely. "I secretly tailed your team back then because that brat Obito failed to pay for his last meal, so he owed me money. No shinobi stiffs me!"

Guy cocked his head as he usually did when he was contemplating anything harder than 'two plus two equals four'.

"So you… took Obito's eye, after he had been crushed and everybody was gone?"

"Yes!" Teuchi freely admitted like it was the simplest thing in the world. Kakashi was now in the fetal position on the ground as he cradled his own head. Everything had been pointing to _Obito_ … _Why wasn't it Obito under the mask_?

"So… So… Why the hell did you start the Fourth Shinobi World War?!" Naruto bellowed. "You said you were no one! You said you were gonna collect all the Tailed Beasts and put everyone in a dream!"

Again, Teuchi nodded sagely.

"I _am_ No One. Do you know how many people come into my stall to see me?! Bother to remember _me_?! Not a single person! It's always ramen, ramen, _ramen_! My ramen is more memorable than me! Is it too much to ask for a friendly conversation every now and then? _Without_ a bowl of ramen in front of you?" Teuchi huffed as he crossed his arms. "On top of that, far too many shinobi come into my stall and pull the 'I'm a Shinobi' card, 'I don't have to pay'! Feh. Run me near bankrupt with that attitude."

" _Bullshit_!" Naruto raised a fist at the geezer. "No one stiffs you, as far as I can remember! You're just senile!"

Teuchi growled.

"Call _me_ senile, will you… I have perfect memory recall, and…" Teuchi halted himself as the example he was about to bring up proved to be false. That shinobi paid him, that shinobi paid him, that shinobi paid him… Come to think of it, Obito had paid for his last meal, too… Huh. "Well, fuck."

"So can we put all this Fourth War crap behind us, Teuchi-sama? I could really go for a bowl of Ichiraku's right about now!" Naruto started to salivate.

Teuchi actually smiled and looked like he was about to agree with Naruto before his stormy expression returned.

"Nice try, but I have another reason for collecting the Tailed Beasts! Together, with their many swishing tails and unique essences, I will create the Ultimate Ramen Broth! That one guy with the broken arm and bandaged face said so a long time ago!"

Kakashi, who had finally slapped some sense back into himself (read: suppressed this whole reveal and _pretended_ this was Obito), sighed exasperatedly as his eyes became heavy-lidded.

"Damn it, Danzo… Screwing us over _again_ …"

* * *

 **Author's Note: … I do not know where this came from, but I had to jot it down. Had. To. This'll likely have a few more "possibilities" of who Tobi could've been… from a crackfic standpoint. I was one of the many fans who suspected it was Obito; doesn't mean I can't joke about what-ifs, though.**

 **I'll try to keep it fresh with every new possibility, but that might prove… difficult… at times. Don't take this one seriously, it's** _ **crack**_ **. :P**

 **Inspired by "Phoenix Wright: The Defense Never Rests!" (Chapter 24) by Swyldp. Particularly the, "WHAT COULD IT BE?" bit at the very beginning of the chapter. Loved that. XD I _am_ working on The Tale of Nagato Uzumaki, I've just hit a bit of a tough spot with the next chapter. I hope to have overcome it by this weekend - tomorrow, ideally. About halfway through it, so it shouldn't be too long until I update that again. **


End file.
